does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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