and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
