my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
