Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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