She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
