That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
