i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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