The best revenge is premature balding
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
