The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
