Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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