I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
