The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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