OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
