Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
