i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
