btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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