I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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