I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
