Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
