..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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