haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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