if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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