I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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