i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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