The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
