you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
