I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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