I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't think brook has ever known best
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
