when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
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I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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