I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
