Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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