y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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