Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
