Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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