Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
