Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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