meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
