My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
