Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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