I think i peed on brittanys purse
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just pee around me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
