I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
