my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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