a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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