i think my tv is drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
