I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
