Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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