How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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