Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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