I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
