So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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