I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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