okay pat passed out under dana's car
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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