$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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