plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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