I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
