OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
