You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
